| so long since I've written anything |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|10:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jack's Mannequin | ] |
I never write in this, sorry.
I hate this city, it's so busy and I just want to be able to see the stars clearly at night. Without sirens and yelling and the thumping bass of souped out mazdas and jettas. I wish to be with the people that still matter to me, before I sink completely into some sort of depressionistic mindset.
I wish for boys who believe I'm important enough to remember to call back and to set other activities aside for. Like that will happen though.
If this sounds bitchy, it is. Sorry.
To: someone I know, who I know doesn't read this.
Ever since I talked to you a week or two ago, for clarification, I've felt weird around you. You touch my head and rub my back to bring me comfort, but it all feels disgustingly paternal since I asked you. You say you want to figure me out and to just trust you. I don't believe I'm someone who can be figured out so easily. And I hate that everytime you stroke my hair or pat my leg it feels like you're my goddamned father. I know I'll miss you so much when you go back to college in less than a week, but I also know you'll be back.I love spending time with you because I missed you so much when you were six hours away in New York, but I hate that I feel weird when we do hangout now. This is something else pushing me into a depressionistic mindset.
Someone just told me how important I am to her and how much I deserve. Sometimes I forget things like that and it makes me feel a little better, or maybe a little worse for being such a bitch all the time.
In the city, I blow off my friends (aquaintances). I care about one or two, on occasion. Not even all the time. In the mornings I am barely able to will myself out of bed to get ready to go to a school that makes me feel awful. I get up for five minutes, so I can get dressed, and then I go back to sleep until fifteen or twenty minutes before I have to leave for school. At school, I barely understand math, I feel like a retard. I wish I did, but I haven't learned math since the seventh grade. (What a coincidence, I was at tantasqua then.) So this is the first year I've learned algebra, and slope intercept is hard. But since I really hate approaching people I have a hard tiem asking for help and admitting I can't do something. No, mom, it's not that I'm an "honour student" and that I think I'm too smart and don't need help. I just find myself unable to ask for it. One on one attention with an adult frightens me. I don't really like people very much, contrary to what most of my friends (aquaintances) may think.
To: someone who needs to learn how to pick up a phone, who also wouldn't ever read this.
I wish you would call me back, I wish you could remember to, I wish you thought I was important enough to deserve a fucking phonecall. One that's been promised to me, twice or more it seems. I know many other people believe I'm important. I know you don't want a relationship because of our four year, two month, and one day age difference. I wish you could see that I like you, and by actually trying for something with you I was putting myself back out in the open, and I was hurt again, which is exactly why I was avoiding guys. Possibly guys like you specifically. I wish the age didn't matter, and honestly, truly, I just wish you would call so I could talk to you. I'm trying to tell myself I won't be the one to call you first, even if it means I'll never hear your voice again. But I'm close to calling you, if anything to bitch at you and ask you why you didn't call me when you said you were going to. But more likely, to forgive you and absorb whatever you say to me about why you didn't call. You talk about music and it's almost too much for me to deal with because you talk about obscure stuff, or some kind of grindcore shit I would never care about. But I still listen to you, which must be an indication that I like you, or I'd tell you to shut up and never talk again.
You told me that you might move to Boston in mid-january, with two girls, to try and open a coffee shop. Maybe I don't know you that well, but I don't think you can do it and I don't want to see you shot down by a big city that you aren't exactly ready for. I would like to have faith in you, but honestly, I just don't. I don't think you can do something like this and (again) I wish that you would understand that.
I need sleep, I haven't written this much about myself or what has been going on with me...in probably ever.
I might not even update this everyday, but it's a start and venting feels pretty good. |
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